I'm in a dark place right now. Figuratively and literally. It's 6:30am. I am on the floor under a single blanket, reading this medium article on heartbreak, because 3 years later, I am still struggling with my guilt of betraying my first love. As silly as it is to google my problems and find some random woman ranting about it online, I don't have much else to work with here.
I haven't had contact with her. She didn't want it so I gave up, to respect her boundaries. What resurfaced the trauma this time around is that I was seeing someone new for the first time since. It was a girl I met online and we got to know eachother for a couple of months before getting together. It was too soon but the time I felt ready to try again. My feelings towards her didn't progress as much as I'd hoped, and finding the news about my Ex put me in a place where I no longer wanted to pursue it anymore. This new girl really liked me, and I feel awful for not reciprocating as strongly. We talked very early on about my potential intimacy issues that could surface, and ironically as much as she feared being a burden on me, I felt much more like a burden to her. I've now broken her heart just as I broke my Ex's. Having this guilt and shame plauging whatever current and future relationship I may have is not what I desire. So I'm here to address it.
The article talks about a couple of primary topics. Superficial Stand-ins, or as i read them as, distractions from the pain. I'm pretty aware that ever since my breakup, I've been searching for someone new to fill the void. I thought I'd finally found it but the void opened once more and the cracks I keep repairing shattered yet again. Every time I'm afforded some new scope into what I gave up and how drastic a change it is from the life I used to live, my heart breaks all over again.
I've always thought that my superficial stand-ins have always been other people's problems. Helping others with their issues keep me distracted from my own. Being useful to people is all I know how to do, whether that's doing some task against my own desire or being emotional support. Relationships in general kept me occupied enough that I never felt the need to address any problems that might actually have been going on. That was a very large pain point with my Ex. If someone else could understand my pain, and be there to comfort me, then everything else would make sense. I wanted a savior who could witness my pain, and stand there with me to help me solve it. I had it from you. You gave it to me every day we were together. Getting it from anyone else has hardly made me feel better. I can't follow the own advice I give out.
I recently found out she's found someone new to be with, and even though I have tried making those attempts as well, it's only lead to more heartbreak as my guilt resurfaces with every passing moment.Finding out re-opened the wound. It was the final nail in the coffin. Despite all of the agony I've felt in the last 2 years, all of the times I've sat there punishing myself for abandoning our relationship, and greiving over the loss of it. I've felt all of what I did to her years ago. I have attempted to atone for it and it's never felt like I'll ever be able to do enough, for any of it to reach her. I miss her so much, and feeling like I'll never be able to make up for it is something I'll have to live with for the rest of my life. In return, I feel betrayed, abandoned, neglected. I know I deserve it. I should learn how to become comfortable with existing with those feelings.
So what do I do about it.
It's going to take me a long while to figure that out, I think.
If you love someone, let them go. But if you really, really love them, let them come back.